Kyoto! And Osaka!

When we went to Osaker, we decided to take a day trip to Kyoto! It’s a lot to see in one day, but we tried! Actually, we pretty much just got drunk and went to Monkey Mountain. Actually, this is the night before we left, still in Osaka. I don’t know what I’m doing.

This is the tourist district that is pretty fakkin cool for a tourist district. Lots of wacky shit to look at and fun restaurants. This may totally suck to Japanese people, but it’s pretty fun for me!

It’s a bar! Based on the James Brown song! We went there, and I’ll blog about that laters!

I love Osaker! The right mix of dingy cheesy old school touristy shit for me. Way better than Shibuya or some super clean spot.

Anywhere that has hilariously giant food is okay by me!

Still not sure what this is. A chair? A ride? Robo fish?

I also don’t remember what this was. Are they trying to scare away little kids? Or confused tourists? Or both?

More things I don’t remember! I think alcohol may have been involved at this point. A lot of alcohol.

Cool moon art! Smoking! This is actually something I would draw. That’s why it caught my eye.

I love the crazy perspective on this sign. Also, the epic old school art style. Plus, the degradation of the sign. It all adds up to make an art!

At a cafe before we went to before our trip. Classy!

From the other side!

And on the menu…

On the train to our train, we met a really nice Japanese lady who was studying English. I helped her with her homework!

Bullet trains look fuckin’ dope. There’s no two ways about it.

This is a town called Arashiyama, which translates to “Storm Mountain.” Look at this, ye olde Japan!

On the way up the mountain to see the monkeys, I spied this neat and mysterious ash tray. I’m guessing it’s some kind of James Bond rip off. I’M GUESSING.

“Don’t fuck with the monkeys!” was a sign theme all the way up the mountain. Especially, DON’T LOOK THEM IN THE EYES! That was on about 20 signs going up the mountain.

And here they are! They have a pretty easy life. All day, they just sleep, shake down tourists for food, pick bugs off each other and KICK THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE WHO LOOK THEM IN THE EYES.

They also fuck! But really fast! I was actually hoping to get some monkey fucking pics, but this blurry one is the best I could do. They’re faster than me!

A monkey shaking me down for food. Which I gave it. There’s probably some funny symbolism about me being in the cage here and the monkey being free. Probably.

Got lucky with some crazy cloud action that day. It was cloudy except for this huge swatch of sunlight which lit up Kyoto like gold. It was beautiful! I mean, not as beautiful as those monkeys fucking, but still, quite a sight!

Don’t do cell phone drugs!!!!

I wonder what this means to a Japanese person? Does it sound cool? Fancy? Forever?

Kyoto has no shortage of temples and shrines! But when it comes down to it, if you’ve seen one shrine, you’ve seen them all. Still, they’re worth a look.

This one’s in a mall!

We randomly found an amazing Osaka bar! I forgot the name! It was really fun! And the music was amazing!

Even their toilet was festive!

We met two super nice girls there that told us about a lazer light show temple or something, so we went!

And there was a crazy 3D Mapping Terrain light show or something. Seemed like everyone in town knew about it. Here’s a video!

That was about it. We went back to Osaka and I drank this Which is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. It’s like alcoholic Squit. Super tasty!

And we watched some Japanese TV teaching people English than passed out.

Next up…the last of Osaka! Then I’ll be done! Woooop!

Bigfoot Bonernanza!

I recently went to an amazing Bigfoot convention/film fest at the historic Balboa Theater called the Bigfoot Bonanza! I had a hairy good time! Naturally, I got insanely drunk, and took a bunch of blurry photos! Here they are!

The “BIGFEET” crew (I’m the one on the right!)

Some fan art I drew of Bigfoot. Technically speaking, we don’t know how big its feet are compared to its body. It might actually have small feet compared to its body size, that would still be big feet to us. Makes ya think!

I made a cardboard bigfoot mask that proved to be the perfect Bigfoot Bonanza accessory! This is my friend Norm wearing it with his hair put in front for a more realistic 3D effect.

I also bought a Yeti toy originally from the Matterhorn ride at Disney Land.

The festival had some ridiculously cute Bigfoot art. This one looks super sad, though. Can’t play the piano getting him down?

They had some great Yeti and bigfoot toys on hand too. Ain’t nobody getting that Tazo tea without a fight!

Bulky!

After watching some amazing Bigfoot shows and docs, we stopped off at the luxurious Hockey Haven bar next door. I put my cardboard BF on the wall and it fit right in. In fact, I forgot it for an hour! When I came back, no one even noticed it was there!

It’s cold where Yeti lives. Despite his thick white fur, he still needs a little something to “warm him up.”

My friend Mark is quite bald, and was also a bit chilly until he found the perfect head warmer! If you don’t mind all the noise, that is.

Back to drankin

Oop! Got too drunk, can’t walk!

Fell into a plant! Actually, this guy is incredibly photogenic. I hope someday to take him into the real snow and do a photo shoot!

Might look something like this!

This was some random dude on the street I asked if he would take a picture with my Yeti! People in SF have been very nice about taking pictures with my toys when I’m drunk. That makes me happy. I wanted to take the pic because of his snow-white goatee! It matches perfectly!

The historic Balboa Theater is really beautiful! If you’re ever in San Francisco, check it out! (The Yeti will not actually be there, though)

Sitting on his Sasquatch cousin’s club

BIGFEET crew looking KOOL!

The moon was nuts that night! Perfect night for Squatchin! (That’s Bigfoot enthusiast slang for “hiding in the bushes and looking for Bigfoots”)

Later I was taking a Sass-Squat in the bathroom and noticed how cool he looked on the hand dryer.

Also looks cool in front of the other Bigfoot’s crotch.

Then it was time to pose for drunken photos with other people’s children! A classic pastime!

The guy holding the Yeti is the madman who organized the whole shebang! Now, that’s the face you make when posing with Bigfoots!

And then we were wasted.

I take some of my best pics drunk, actually. I’m sure longtime readers of this blog are “shocked” to find this out. Anyway, nice moody pic of the theater with Bigfoot out front.

Back to the bar! The cardboard Bigfoot committed too many crimes and had to go to jail!

And the night was coming to a close. It was one of the record books. I don’t know what record books. Drunken Bigfoot Convention record books?

In the same pic!

And that’s all she wrote!

(until next year…)

Osaka! Day One!

I went to Osaka, like years ago and never got around to blarging because I’m super lame! Here are some long overdue pics from that adventure!

Japanese selfie stick warnings don’t fuck around!

The first place we stopped off the train was…Hooters! Osaka Hooters!

And it was just as cheesy and terrible as an American Hooters! In fact, it looked exactly the same!

Minor differences on the menu (Flapper Teasers are more expensive here)

After that it was off to the big tourist district for some Funassy!

The rainy night view from our room had the perfect grungy feel to it.

And the downtown touristy area had that dope Blade Runner feel! Wake up…time to die!

There’s also a beautiful river that runs through the area that looks amazing at night.

Walking around we found this monkey in front of a bar. If there’s a monkey in front of a bar, I will always go in!

It was a super old bar that had weapons from back in the day that they really used to use on people. I asked the guy what it was, but my Japanese is pretty bad, I think he called it an “Ass grabbling blood reamer” or something.

There were also ninjers around in case any patrons got rowdy (we didn’t!)

It was really nice inside. We went there 3 times!

Did not take us long to find a Don Quijote! The single greatest Japanese contribution to mankind! The front of the store was nuts! That’s a 100-foot tall amusement park ride!

But before you go into a Don Quijote, it is best to get drunk out of your fucking mind.

If you’ve never been to a Don Quijote, it looks like this…but with more stuff. Way more stuff.

Their mascot is an adorable little penguin named “Donpen.” He’s everywhere! Specifically drawings and paintings of him done by hand! Original to every different store. That in and of itself is amazing to me. There must be a team of drawers that go from store to store making art!

Don Quijote has many mysterious things, especially if you can’t read Japanese!

Painted Donpen art. He looks pretty fly in his fundoshi!

This is kind of cheating since it’s computer generated. BTW, Japan loves Christmas more than America. It is fakkin nutso over there around this time. I think they like people to buy stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff!

Not sure how this ties into Christmas, but probably makes sense to the average Don Quijote shopper!

Japan is the undisputed world champ of crazy underwear. This guy lost a googly eye!

This is very clever actually! Probably will help you get laid. Or at least pretend you are.

I think these are lights. For when you’re in a cave and you need light or something.

Black Man is a brand of underwear. Not targeted at black men, though. And this guy does not look like he’s cooling down at all!

I love the realistic art of this old lady being blown around!

I think this is to shut your kid up or something.

Donpen has a sexy girlfriend that can be seen throughout the stores, too. Or that’s actually Donpen in drag. I do not know.

Need some more shit? There’s like 5 more floors of it!

Another area Japan is beating us is in funny wig technology.

Men need stockings too, okay.

She can show you how.

There is no such thing as overdoing it in Japan.

The true meaning of Christmas…cheap, funny gifts!!!


Don’t take it personal, Blacky.

That was day one of Osaker! Day two coming up! Seriously, this time! Now that I’ve moved my blog to here, I am committed to weekly updates! Yerp!

 

Little Mermaid Christmas!

One of my many useless hobbies is getting drunk and taking pictures of toys. I took my Little Mermaid Christmas doll to the beach!

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She is a beauty! Made for the beach!

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Enjoying the cool winter rays!

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So much fun!

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Many people don’t know, but at the end of the original Little Mermaid fairy tale, she did not get the prince. She died and became sea foam! Like this!

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Some mermaids got it, some don’t!

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Bright young women…sick of swimin’

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Someone else on the beach was getting into the Christmas spirit!

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I think Marilyn Monroe did a very similar photo shoot.

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But I don’t think hers ended like this…(or maybe it did!)

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But nothing a quick bath in the public restroom sink won’t fix.

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Followed by a warm blow dry from the hand dryer. Her tail made the most delightful “FWWWWPPPP”ing noise!

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All cleaned up and ready for a night on the town!

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She can drink a lot!

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Then it’s time for some drunken reflection…

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Maybe take in some art…

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Yep, she’s trashed!

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Haha! Anyway, it was quite a day and we had a lot of fun. Merry Christmas, y’all!

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An Afternoon With Shai-Hulud

Dune's my favorite movie! And my favorite book! So people give me Dune toys and one of my favorites is my giant Sandworm. He's like 9 inches long! And super thick! Anyway, I got drunk, took him different places and took pictures. Here they are! 

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My Dune worm kinda has a drinking problem. 

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And by kinda, I mean totally…

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I took him camping. BTW, it's harder than you think to get a dog to pose with a Dune worm. 

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Babies are no problem, tho

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Did you know Dune worms can swim? They can't! Water is actually poisonous to them! 

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After "Duney," my nickname for him, gets drunk he kinda gets douchey. 

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Then he wants to sing! He's actually pretty good. Kinda has a Tom Waits gravely voice. 

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Then he got super high! 

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But eventually came down to earth. 

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Later that night…things got weird…

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Although this is not a Sandworm's natural setting, Duney looks very photogenic here. 

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He also looks pretty photogenic here! 

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To a dog, there's probably not much difference between a stick and a Dune worm toy. 

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Howling at the moon. 

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Telling scary stories by the fire. 

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After the camping trip, I took Duney to the beach! Which is much closer to his natural habitat. 

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It looks just like the movie! 

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Again, don't try this with a real Sandworm. Duney is a specially trained worm that knows to avoid the water, which would kill him instantly. 

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Duney got drunk and demanded I took a picture of him pretending to eat this girl's butt. 

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He looks pretty good half buried in the sand. 

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Or majestically posing on a rock.  

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I know what you're thinking…"Is this real?!"  

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Then it all went to shit when he started drinking again. 

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Say what you will, but Duney's a looker! That's for sure! 

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80’s Cartoon Villains That Would Make a Better President than Trump

Donald Trump is the textbook example of an 80's cartoon villain. He has all the classic traits. He's arrogant, cruel, petty, vengeful, mean-looking, vain, greedy, incompetent, and a megalomaniac. But unlike 80's cartoon villains, he's not funny, because he's real and will be in the highest office of the most powerful country in the world. I don't think he'll be a good leader. In fact, I have chosen several famous 80's cartoon leaders that I genuinely believe would make a better President than him. In no particular order, here they are! 

Venger — Dungeons and Dragons 

While sharing Donald's taste for authoritarian power, Venger was not an idiot. Far from it. In fact, he had full command of the English language and never uttered embarrassing sentences like, "I have the best words." He is also a very knowledgeable sorcerer and according to his wiki, knew about every single spell from the D&D RPG book. You have to have a lot of mental power to know so many spells and be able to use them at will. He also has a cool flying horse and only one horn, which adds an air of mystery to his appearance. Donald Trump don't look this cool. Not even close. 

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Eric Raymond — Jem and the Holograms

Eric is also infinitely smarter than Trump and a better businessman. Unlike Donald, he is a shrewd CEO and runs a tight ship at Starlight Music. Trump has lost hundreds of millions of dollars in bad business deals, made a lifelong habit out of ripping people off, and has filed for bankruptcy multiple times. Eric has never been accused of any of those things. And his band The Misfits proved to be quite popular with the kids, although not as popular as that blasted Jem and the Holograms. Still, better than Trump, though. 

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Randy — Pee-wee's Playhouse 

Randy's a dick. No two ways about it. He's just as mean and petty as Donald Trump. A classic bully. His big move is to come down from the ceiling in Pee-wee's Playhouse, say or do something totally dickish for no reason, then bail. But there's one major difference between the two–Randy can say he's sorry AND mean it. Whereas Trump never apologizes, and if he is forced to, it's half-assed and insincere. Whenever Pee-wee confronts Randy and shows him why he shouldn't be mean, Randy learns a valuable lesson. Trump does not and can not learn valuable lessons. Mainly because his massive ego, or rather insecurities, can not allow him to admit he is wrong. Randy has my vote for 2020! 

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Dr. Claw — Inspector Gadget 

Dr. Claw is the head of a massive, well-run criminal organization bent on world control. He has seemingly unlimited resources at his disposal and uses it to try and defeat his nemesis the bumbling, but hilarious Inspector Gadget. Running a huge criminal empire and remaining completely anonymous is very difficult. Especially when your enemy has a seemingly unlimited array of technologically advanced gadgets at his disposal. Not to mention a brilliant human and dog assistant. Dr. Claw would make a better president because he's on the ball. It's tough running a huge criminal enterprise and Dr. Claw does it with ease. Donald's entire run was one fuck up after another. All the way to the finish line. And remember, Dr. Claw is a Doctor. You have a lot of education to become a doctor. Not only would Dr. Claw make a better president, his press conferences would be really great. All you'd see is that metal arm, the cat and hear his super cool evil voice. 

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Gargamel — Smurfs

Gargamel is a very intelligent man. His knowledge of spells and the occult is second to none. And he has one thing the Trump utterly lacks: Focus. Trump is so unfocused and undisciplined, his own team had to take away his Twitter in the final days of his presidential run. He could not be trusted not to tweet stupid things that would hurt his chances. He also couldn't stay focused long enough to not lose his shit at a debate and embarrass himself. Whereas Gargamel has proven himself to be able to stay focused on any task, no matter how tedious or mundane, so long as there is a chance he might capture those dastardly Smurfs. We need a man like Gargamel in the oval office. Especially if any Smurf related problems arise in the next four years. 

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Duke Sigmund Igthorn — Gummi Bears

Like Trump, Duke Igthorn has a bad temper and is prone to lashing out at his followers, which like Trump's followers are simple-minded ogres. But Igthorn is a competent commander and has proven himself to be a major threat to the Gummi Bears of Gummi Glen. Igthorn is very creative and has come up with numerous complex plans to get the secret of the Gummiberry Juice so he can have super human strength. Being able to come up with complex strategies and execute them is exactly what you need to be president. I don't think Trump thinks in complex terms. At all. 

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Saw Boss — Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors

This guy would be a waaaaay better president than Trump. According to his Wiki, he has "an unlimited line of Saw troopers that have buzz saw blades that can cut everything." Does Trump have that? Hells, no! Oh, he doesn't look as scary as Trump either. 

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Hoggish Greedly — Captain Planet

This guy wouldn't actually make a better president than Donald Trump because he basically is Donald Trump. A cowardly, greedy, cruel, incompetent bully. Does that sound like anyone you know? Mean and dumb, the classic villain combination. And repulsive to the core! Of all the numerous 80's cartoon villains I researched to write this blog, he fit best. Our president-elect, Hoggish Greedly. At least he made funny pork-based puns! 

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Final analysis:  

We're fucking dumb. Like cartoon dumb. Donald Trump had 10,000 foot tall bright red flashing letters over his head that said, "I WILL BE A TERRIBLE PRESIDENT" but he won. I get part of it was a "Fuck You" vote for the last 8 years. Well, as revenge goes, damn, that was incredible. Of course, you've cut off your own nose to spite your face and may well have condemned us all, but still impressive. But he'll put a bunch of crazy people of his staff, fuck everything up, drag the Republicans down with him and in 2-4 years Democrats will sweep back into power. If he doesn't destroy the world first! 

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Also, this might wake liberals up so they'll stop fighting each other. Living in echo chambers and thinking racism was defeated, they began turning on each other and finding racism everywhere. Absurd things like Katy Perry wearing a kimono, white people having dreads, and Taco Tuesday were deemed racist and horrible. Now an actual racist bully is in the Whitehouse. And he's already inspired other racists bullies to commit horrible acts. And it's just gonna get worse. Now, you're going to see REAL racism and maybe Katy Perry wearing a kimono wasn't that terrible after all. 

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In the end, the biggest joke of all is on Donald Trump. He's proven over and over that he can't take criticism, and he's going to become the most criticized person in the world. There will be nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Of course, he's going to fuck it up royally, and you can see that by who's putting in his cabinet. There will be non-stop disasters and scandals for four years. And some of his followers will finally see that he's been a con man the whole time. He never had their best interests in mind for a second. Why would a greedy billionaire who lives in a golden tower care about the common man? He's made his fortune fucking the common man over. He'll go down in history as the worst president that ever lived, beating Nixon for the title. He'll be mocked, jeered, made fun of every day until he steps down. And after. And being president is a lot of hard work! Does he seem like someone who enjoys hard work? Ha! 

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Final point: He may well end the world. He certainly has the best chances of any president in my lifetime. Although blowing up the world sounds terrible, remember, if you don't blow up the world, the Planet of the Apes can't happen! And I think they deserve a chance to rule for awhile. They can't do much worse than us! 

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