Osaka! Day One!

I went to Osaka, like years ago and never got around to blarging because I’m super lame! Here are some long overdue pics from that adventure!

Japanese selfie stick warnings don’t fuck around!

The first place we stopped off the train was…Hooters! Osaka Hooters!

And it was just as cheesy and terrible as an American Hooters! In fact, it looked exactly the same!

Minor differences on the menu (Flapper Teasers are more expensive here)

After that it was off to the big tourist district for some Funassy!

The rainy night view from our room had the perfect grungy feel to it.

And the downtown touristy area had that dope Blade Runner feel! Wake up…time to die!

There’s also a beautiful river that runs through the area that looks amazing at night.

Walking around we found this monkey in front of a bar. If there’s a monkey in front of a bar, I will always go in!

It was a super old bar that had weapons from back in the day that they really used to use on people. I asked the guy what it was, but my Japanese is pretty bad, I think he called it an “Ass grabbling blood reamer” or something.

There were also ninjers around in case any patrons got rowdy (we didn’t!)

It was really nice inside. We went there 3 times!

Did not take us long to find a Don Quijote! The single greatest Japanese contribution to mankind! The front of the store was nuts! That’s a 100-foot tall amusement park ride!

But before you go into a Don Quijote, it is best to get drunk out of your fucking mind.

If you’ve never been to a Don Quijote, it looks like this…but with more stuff. Way more stuff.

Their mascot is an adorable little penguin named “Donpen.” He’s everywhere! Specifically drawings and paintings of him done by hand! Original to every different store. That in and of itself is amazing to me. There must be a team of drawers that go from store to store making art!

Don Quijote has many mysterious things, especially if you can’t read Japanese!

Painted Donpen art. He looks pretty fly in his fundoshi!

This is kind of cheating since it’s computer generated. BTW, Japan loves Christmas more than America. It is fakkin nutso over there around this time. I think they like people to buy stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff!

Not sure how this ties into Christmas, but probably makes sense to the average Don Quijote shopper!

Japan is the undisputed world champ of crazy underwear. This guy lost a googly eye!

This is very clever actually! Probably will help you get laid. Or at least pretend you are.

I think these are lights. For when you’re in a cave and you need light or something.

Black Man is a brand of underwear. Not targeted at black men, though. And this guy does not look like he’s cooling down at all!

I love the realistic art of this old lady being blown around!

I think this is to shut your kid up or something.

Donpen has a sexy girlfriend that can be seen throughout the stores, too. Or that’s actually Donpen in drag. I do not know.

Need some more shit? There’s like 5 more floors of it!

Another area Japan is beating us is in funny wig technology.

Men need stockings too, okay.

She can show you how.

There is no such thing as overdoing it in Japan.

The true meaning of Christmas…cheap, funny gifts!!!

Don’t take it personal, Blacky.

That was day one of Osaker! Day two coming up! Seriously, this time! Now that I’ve moved my blog to here, I am committed to weekly updates! Yerp!